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Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
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i hate the way we dont talk anymore
i cant find enough reasons to leave this alone, but thats what you want and thats what i'll do
i hate when i look at your picture i only see tears
i know that its all my fault, and im sorry
every night i close my eyes and bless your name
i just dont know how to say goodbye
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regret.
missingpeople.
sick.
sorry.
i want to live in a memory.
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Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
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i dont know how many things i can lose anymore.
i lost two people really close to me this past week.
one being someone i love with all my heart.
and the other being a close friend. leaving it with a "i dont exist to you"
i try to make one thing right and completly fuck everything else up.
i have given up everything for her.
she doesnt even realize it.
i can now count everything close to me on one hand.
but surely i'll fail them too.
lets see if it gets any worse
i love her
shes the reason for the lesions
i love her
i start bleeding when shes leaving
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Saturday, December 10th, 2005
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this has been one of the hardest weeks i've had to endure in quite some time.
i've never felt so alone.
im so thankful i get to spend tomorrow with everyone. i cant wait to be around the people i care about.
my car has no heat. it was a long cold drive home from work tonight.
i just want to drive forever with her.
i got my car back today though from the autobody place. it works now. (the heat was out before it went in)
im so stressed that my stomach problems are on full force. how pleasant that has been.
if i lose anymore weight im going to be transparent.
i say hurtful things to the ones i care about the most and push them away.
wow its been a week of realizations. sleepless nights. terrible fights. loneliness.
shea got engaged if anyone who reads this knows him and hasnt heard yet.
i will fight anyone to the death if they try to steal the best man spot from me.
congratulations to shea. im so happy for him.
shea showed me a new part of his movie that was so dramatic and crazy that it seriously affected me for a couple days. im so looking forward to this new installment.
if i let you down i fall too
if you jump headfirst i jump too
if you cut your wrist i bleed too
if you kill yourself i die too
she doesnt own a dress
her hair is always a mess
if you catch her stealing
she wont confess
shes beautiful
she smokes a pack a day
wait thats me but anyway
she doesnt care a thing about that
hey she thinks im beautiful
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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
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Sunday, October 16th, 2005
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yesterday was quite a long day, i have never woke up so tired and sore.
it was completely worth it though.
show was awesome. got to see old friends. shea came up.. good times. too bad he was drunk half of it. larissa came out. i havent seen her in years.. so it was truly awesome seeing her. i look forward to spending more time with her. it was good to shoot the shit with calico system again. those are seriously the sweetest dudes ever. i always look forward to seeing those guys when they are in town. and playing with them is just even more fun. years of desolation was super sweet too. all in all.. a good show.
got to drive the old van around all day, the one where the speedometer doesnt work. good times.
at 3 in the morning this drunk guy flipped his car a few times and we stopped and helped. he was all cut the fuck up and bloody and shit. cops got there and that was a blast. i cant believe that dude was walking around. didnt get home till 4. fell asleep at like 4:30. the roommate person kept waking me up all night... so we fought at 9 this morning. i fell back asleep and woke up at 12:30. in between that i managed to get 4 calls from work. im so tired of that. im tired of my roommate's stupid shit too. dont repeatedly wake me up throughout the night and then get upset when i say "god damn it leave me alone". i dont get it.
im tired. i go into record tonight. shall be interesting.
hopefully there wont be updates for a while.
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Sunday, October 9th, 2005
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time for an update.
some douchebag pulled a hit and run on my car... fucking up the side of it pretty bad. i then have to crash at my parents house while my car is in the shop so i can use one of their cars.. so that gives me internet access for the time being.
i'll be here all week. yeah, so fun.
my body aches daily and i can never seem to be able to catch up on sleep. this is a vicious cycle.
i've never felt so alone.
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Sunday, September 25th, 2005
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so i broke up with emily. at 10 o'clock last night. leaving me homeless. luckily dirty called me and so i got a couch to sleep on last night. i have to move my shit today. i dont know what im doing.
i always feel like such an asshole.
i hope something good comes along soon.
its been a shitty month.
i suck
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Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
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i wish she only knew the way i felt.
i wish i could tell her.
maybe im too pessimistic, but it will never happen.
shes so beautiful she'd never want me
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well.. since last time updating..
1. met someone new.. its great... names emily. and im happy. i think this one will last longer than the norm. ha.
2. climbed a building downtown in peoria.
3. sat on top of said building for hours talking, having the most in depth beautiful conversation, with someone truly amazing, for hours, staring at the night lights of the city.
4. went to springfield and helped someone i did not know move, who i got to know well, and became quite fond of in his short duration of stay in peoria.
5. BTS is in the studio, recording. good things there.
6. ran into a very old friend.. and its cool to see that hes still around and doing well. and its great running into him again.
7. ate tofu for the first time, and probably the last. hopefully the last.
8. work is worse. go figure. although firing so many people is somewhat satisfying
9. shea turned 21. shea + club cabaret + a metric ton of alcohol. enough said. seeing him at least yelling and screaming at the guy who worked there in the parking lot while puking was good enough.
10. my great uncle died. who i was quite fond of. im so glad i got to see him last year when i was visiting out west. he is just one more good person, who you could sit and talk with.. that is forever gone. and please no "im sorry..." replies. save it. it happens.
11. my parents are in montana, one of the greatest places in the world. in nice weather, nice scenery, nice people and everything else. and i am in peoria. ha.
12. noticed how fucking racist peoria is as a whole. appalling.
those are mostly the main things.
im really happy. have been for a while.
im off this whole weekend. anyone who wants/wishes to call me.. do so and we shall do something.
If you don’t expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
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afterhopedies's journal